On Childhood

Sister Rachel, Susie and I. Susie and I both shared a birthday on September 11th.

Here's a questionnaire I wrote about childhood. I enjoy reminiscing about the past, as it reconnects me to my essence and that forcefield of emotional sincerity that so much of the world conspires to dispel. I cherish many golden memories from this time and try not to remember the bad times. Alot of the reference points, alas, may be lost on non-British people, not in their thirties. Many other questions could have been asked. I believe it is good for the soul to be nostalgic, and remember that time is a bit of an illusion, at least as we understand it.

I believe that when we die we re-experience a lot of what has happened to us in our life. Since I am an enemy of fear, however, I wouldn't want this to be taken as meaning we should be perilous of the great beyond. I believe the truth about the universe is far more loving then we can know. I could be wrong, but it's what I believe. I want, in part, as I can, to open up the records of my life, inscribed in memory, while I am still alive, as I find this has a very salubrious and radiant effect on consciousness, for me anyway. Obviously this should not become an obsession; but we can usefully recall T.S.Eliot's observation that sometimes 'the way up is the way down, the way forward, is the way back' (or words to that effect). I appreciate, of course, that my childhood was far happier and less troubled than some people's must have been, and I entirely understand and sympathise with anyone not wishing to go down this road themselves.

As a child were you an Asterix or a Tintin man? Confidently Tintin, though I did enjoy Asterix, especially scenes involving Obelix and Cacophonix.

Would you insist on Heinz Tomato Ketchup? I didn’t have to. I presume Mum knew quality when she tasted it and that no substitutes would do. At one time, Mum worried about a Tomato Ketchup addiction on my part.

Under the age of 13, did you read more, or watch Telly more? I read very little, mainly just Tintin, Asterix, comic annuals (The Beano, The Dandy), and a wonderful rag called ‘Tiger’, featuring characters such as ‘Billy Boots’ and ‘Hotshot Hamish’. I did enjoy the nature novels of Willard Price, however.

Were you a bully? No, though I do feel a bit guilty at laughing occasionally when one boy, who seemed to ask for victimization, would be taunted amusingly. Maybe I laughed to ‘fit in’. But I would be friendly with him whenever we spoke.

Were you bullied? No, not physically, though when I was about seven I remember two elder boys threatening to put my neck in a paper slicing machine. I stared at them, and somehow they let me go. I was kicked in the street in town by strangers, presumably because I was wearing a uniform, but bullies need to know their victims don’t they? I was taunted at school when I was 15 for being a ‘communist bastard’ just because I’d gone on holiday to East Germany with my Dad before the Wall came down. I don’t think bullies should feel guilty for bullying by the way. I just think they should stop bullying, and stop being so weak.

Did you resent being forced to play violent sports, such as Rugby? Yes, but what could I do? Rugby was compulsory, and given my size I was destined for the second row and all that that entails in terms of grabbing props’ shirts through their legs. My main focus was to keep as far away from the ball as possible and not fall over in scrums. Regarding cricket, I liked being a good and successful bowler but batting, unless I hit sixes, could be a drag, especially in nets practice, especially when having to worry, sans helmet, about being smashed in the head by bouncers from Thompson or Finch. Swimming and Table Tennis were very gracious and civilized.

Did you object to playing sport in freezing weather in nothing but shorts and a shirt? Indeed I did. Odd that we didn’t wear tracksuit trousers in the freezing cold, amidst the snow. It used to snow more regularly in England in the 70s and early 80s than it does now.

How did you get to school every day? Almost entirely I would cycle. Less than 1 mile to my first school and about a mile and a half to my second school. Both in Cambridge, England.

Did you think Tucker Jenkins was the definition of boyish cool? Absolutely, and I was delighted when he returned for ‘Tuckers luck’. But it never quite had the same appeal. ‘Grange Hill’ was never as good after Tucker, although I enjoyed episodes involving Zammo and Jonah, the latter only being in the series briefly, alas.

Were you forced to go to Church? How did you feel about this? Both at school and by my mother out of school time, yes, I was compelled to go to Church (just as I was compelled to go to lessons). I didn’t mind much really, although sometimes the hymns and all the kneeling and recitation of formulas was a bit boring. Sometimes the sermons and the dramatic productions were fun. I was lucky to be exposed to jovial, kind and pleasant Ministers and not to be doctrinally straight-jacketed. My freethinking disposition and a worry that I might be ‘mentally institutionalised’, however, kept me from getting confirmed as a teenager, I think.

When and where did you first snog a member of your desired gender? When I was 18 in Suffolk in my bedroom. She was a friend of my sister, during my eighteenth birthday party. We were not alone. I was sitting on the legs of a crashed out rave musician who had collapsed on my bed. All very chaotic.

Did you love Christmas? Why, or why not? Yes, I loved Christmas; the Christmas time glimmer and glitter, and the focus on joy and light and feasting appealed to me. As did the TV schedules, which seemed much more abundant and thrilling than was typical for the rest of the year.

When and where did you lose your viginity? Were the circumstances agreeable?
I was 18 and it was in Banos, Equador. She was delightful and kind. Afterwards we went down and bathed in a hot spring.

Were you a member of a gang? If so, what was it called? Yes, at state primary school I was one of a member of four kids who called themselves the ‘goodie’ gang, in obvious reference to the 70s UK comedy series “the Goodies”, starring a very large cat amongst others. The natural leader of this gang moved with me to my next school, and I naturally joined his new troupe. We congregated by an area of greenery next to the tennis courts and engaged in interesting discussions and boyish adventures. I was also involved with another circle, so perhaps my loyalties were divided. I became much more solitary after the age of about 10, though my clannish past reasserted itself happily when I was 16, though by no means always.

Who was your favourite teacher..what subject? My History teacher Robert Hendersen for sure, between the ages of 9 and 12. His exilarating lessons were a tour de force and engaged my desires to impress and excel. Later, when 16, I adored the lessons of my English teacher, Dr Charles Moseley, who introduced me to Plato and to philosophy and helped me develop my love for the riches of transcendence.

Did you torment or tease any of your teachers? No. I thought about joining in with the bray in my French class when 13, just to ‘fit in’, but didn’t. Actually the teacher didn’t seem to mind his treatment especially, possibly because the pupils did actually respect him ultimately and were just having laugh. It was more of a carnival atmosphere than anything cruel; or so I hope, anyway.

Did you see Star Wars , Episode IV, when it premiered in 1977? Yes, and then kept a scrap book of star wars picture afterwards, and slept on a Star Wars pillow, and played with a few Star Wars figures, especially Chewbacca. I had no Millenium Falcon, unlike others, however.

Did it confuse, or upset, you that nobody ever died in the ‘A- team’? A bit yes. I remember one scene when a helicopter fell about 100 meters to the ground, and exploded. The men stumbled out, coughing from the smoke. That was absurd.

If you have kids, will you send them to any of the schools you went to. If you have kids, have you done this? Maybe to my first school. It will to a great degree be up to my child/children. I was within limits allowed to veto secondary schools (public schools in my privileged case), and though I took the Eton entrance exam I deliberately under-performed, with the desired result. Of course, it's looking most likely that I won’t have any kids. Whether I do is ‘up to the ladies’, as it were, since I am not much of a persuader, and not enthused by the somewhat artificial histrionics of courtship. The ‘ways of nature’ sure as hell can be tedious.

Do you wish you could reconnect with some school friends. Do you feel ‘friends reunited’ has not been all that it might have been? Yes, I would like to see many people I don’t know how to contact. Of course, they may not want to see me, which of course is reasonable and fair enough. It's not Friends Reunited’s fault, but yes, many many people whom I'd like to be registered to it are not. Also, people don’t reply which may or may not be because of me.

Dallas or Dynasty? Not Knots Landing, surely? Dallas. Couldn’t get into Dynasty, and only checked out Knots Landing because of the Gary connection. I adored Dallas, well until Bobby died and then didn’t die – which seemed a bit too wacky.

At school, were you ever uncertain about your sexual orientation? No, but I did love some of my male friends, sometimes very much. I didn’t really have any female friends at all..not until I was about 16.

Did you have enough friends at school? It was ok, except between the ages of 11-16, when I was lonely, sometimes very.

Do you miss anything about school, now that you are free of it? What is better, what worse about freedom? I liked the fact that money didn’t really exist in school for the pupils, so there was a kind of egalitarianism between us, so little buying and selling to worry about. I liked that I lived in a world that had a clear identity and was shared by others (even though I often felt alien from it); and I liked the Cameraderie and the often very funny and amusing characters and incidents that would arise. But it’s good to be an adult, and be less controlled by system, and be able to travel alone and do more things independently. Of course whether or not adults when they leave school exchange one kind of slavery for another, this time one rooted around financial and familial duties, is richly debatable.

How much of what you learnt at school did you consider to be utterly pointless? At the time, probably about 70% of it, especially the science subjects, which seemed to me so abstract and inhuman and irrelevant to my life. That’s not to say I wasn’t good at science, but I forced myself to study and learn, as I was proud enough or frightened enough not to want to fail.

Did school food thrill you? In any way? There was an exotic dish at my Public school, a chicken dish, which I enjoyed a lot. Generally the food was ok, but nothing to correspond about. Memories endure of a delightful chocolate milk shake from my early years. But I've always been a bit indifferent to, or at least unfussy about, food. Actually, I think I wouldn't mind not eating at all, if I didnt have to, and didn't get hungry.

Did you learn a musical instrument at school? The prep school I went to prided itself on its musical talents, which were deserved, and everyone had to learn an instrument, and typically sing in the school choir. I learnt the violin –poorly. My second violin teacher was very funny, and I mainly enjoyed my lessons because of her amusing personality.

Were you frightened of any of your teachers? Not really, not specifically, but I was frightened of failure and of being accused of things (since then, as now, I disliked conflict). But I wasn’t docile in spirit and of course thought many of the rules silly and deservedly broken.

Were you happier at school than you are now? Were they ‘the best years of your life’? I would say I was unhappy at school in my early teen years, but not otherwise especially, just a bit isolated, which wasn’t anyone’s fault. Not the best years of my life no, but certainly not the worst.

How much of an individual were you at school? Did you conform in behaviour and tastes in order to fit in and be accepted by other kids? I was often thought strange and called strange and weird. Probably I was strange. While I don’t think this was intentional on my part – to get attention –people sometimes thought it was. It's true that I found it hard to be ‘normal’, and while I did try, I did feel I had to be true to myself, which tended to send me off in different directions to others.

How often were you punished by your teachers? Were you a good boy? I was sent out of the class when I was 7. I forget why, and given drill when 13 for not taking a shower (because there were none available). Drill involved writing out the following amusing line many times over: “Nothing is more distressing to a well regulated mind than to see a boy who ought to know better disporting himself at improper moments”. Its remarkableness inclined it to be remembered. I saw no reason to be rebellious for its own sake. My distemper and anger with the world and life exercised itself on the mental and emotional plane.